As I consider all
the information we are learning about the causes of conflict and how to affect a
positive resolution I have come to the realization that most of what inflames
simple discussions between my husband and I is what the Conflict Resolution Network
(n.d.) refers to as shadow hugging and boxing.
Our communication
styles are part of our personal culture. Unfortunately for my husband and I our
parent’s divorces and the modeling of conflict styles that lead to resolution
was not something we witnessed growing up. Our respective parents did not
divorce until we were young adults, so we had many years of being exposed to
ineffective communication styles.
Fortunately for us
this never affects the big decisions in our lives and we have been happily
married for 24 years. We are very conscience of how our parent’s divorces have
affected us and actively work to negate its influence. Sometimes it does turn
what should be simple discussions into hurt feelings. This morning is a perfect
example.
My fabulous
husband happens to be a fantastic cook, and this summer he decided he would
cook us a seafood dinner every Friday. I
don’t cook on Friday, so it is usually take out or dinner out. This morning we
are both walking to our cars to head off to work after a very busy week for
both of us, personally and professionally. He says that he is really tired and
maybe won’t cook tonight. I reply that that is fine there are leftovers in the
refrigerator. His reply is “That’s what you say, but not what you mean.” I reply,
“No really I don’t care.” He says, “Come on, you would be disappointed if I didn’t
cook tonight.” This is where the conflict arises.
He is correct; I
would be disappointed, but not so much that I would guilt him into doing it. I
am actually more upset he just won’t take me at my word and accept that I respect
he deserves a night off. It escalated mildly, fitting the scenario of shadow hugging
and boxing. The behavior of the other person that is really neutral is the hook
because we project our feeling onto it. The symptom is we react emotionally. The
projection is the part of our shadows that cause our strong reaction.
I was hooked when I
projected that he was putting words in my mouth and implying that I would be
resentful. Then I reacted emotionally. The only way for me to stop these
reactions is to get control of my shadow, the emotional responses I have that
are too painful to fully experience (Conflict Resolution Network, n.d.).
Does anyone else
have these types of conflicts with their significant other and how have you
chosen to handle them?
The scallops and
shrimps in cream sauce were delicious! Thanks for another delicious dinner my
love!
Reference
Conflict Resolution Network. (n.d.). CR kit. Retrieved from http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_3
Such a great story, thank you so much for sharing. Its amazing how these small things can escalate into conflicts if we are not careful. Especially when two people are tired, stressed or even in a fearful situation their first initial instincts and reactions may present a negative message and cause the communication between two people to start off with negative undertones. It is definitely evident how much the two of you love each other and even though there was a short conflict in determining what each person really felt, the two of you solved it and worked together. This is what makes life wonderful and without these small trials or misunderstandings it would get very boring to communicate with others.
ReplyDeleteI agree what a great story to tell. It appears that you both have come to agreement where fridays are not your cooking days which is ok,but if he is tried and wants to take a break may you guys could have comproimsed and he could have cooked on saturday, but sinced you really love his meals and he loves you he made a great meal instead.
ReplyDeleteMichele
ReplyDeleteThank you sharing such a personal blog post. My parents also communicated poorly. In fact, on many occasions, my father communicated with violence instead of communicating appropriately with his family. As a result of growing up in a violent home; I also have adopted poor communication skills because of the example that was set before me; however, with Jehovah God’s help I am overcoming my aggressive nature. I am happy to hear that you resolved the conflict productively with your husband. It is very nice to witness such love between two people! Take Care.
Michele-
ReplyDeleteGood post! I have been married to my husband a little over 1 year now, however have been together since high school, totaling 12+ years. He always says to me that I need to open up and really talk about what I want as opposed to shutting down when I get upset. I don't tend to get defensive, I tend to withdraw when conflict arises. I am learning even now at age 28 how to be a better communicator both professionally and in this case, personally. Thanks for sharing your story!
-Clara
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI commend your effort to establish effective communication between yourself and your husband based on your past. You know the importance of communication and how it affects a relationship. I have had been a part of many conflicts similar to the one you presented where someone did not fully believe the words I was expressing. It was hard to get my point across and for the other person to know I was being genuine. Great post!
Hi, Michele! Thanks for sharing! Yes, I think most if not all couples encounter this type of communication conflict. It is quite tricky to separate emotions sometimes and at other times we do not even notice that we are doing it. It takes practice, I guess. My husband and I are trying to practice the skills specified in the resources this week... hopefully the practice will pay off and make it more natural us. Thanks, again.
ReplyDelete