Conflict Resolution

As I consider all the information we are learning about the causes of conflict and how to affect a positive resolution I have come to the realization that most of what inflames simple discussions between my husband and I is what the Conflict Resolution Network (n.d.) refers to as shadow hugging and boxing.

Our communication styles are part of our personal culture. Unfortunately for my husband and I our parent’s divorces and the modeling of conflict styles that lead to resolution was not something we witnessed growing up. Our respective parents did not divorce until we were young adults, so we had many years of being exposed to ineffective communication styles.

Fortunately for us this never affects the big decisions in our lives and we have been happily married for 24 years. We are very conscience of how our parent’s divorces have affected us and actively work to negate its influence. Sometimes it does turn what should be simple discussions into hurt feelings. This morning is a perfect example.

My fabulous husband happens to be a fantastic cook, and this summer he decided he would cook us a seafood dinner every Friday.  I don’t cook on Friday, so it is usually take out or dinner out. This morning we are both walking to our cars to head off to work after a very busy week for both of us, personally and professionally. He says that he is really tired and maybe won’t cook tonight. I reply that that is fine there are leftovers in the refrigerator. His reply is “That’s what you say, but not what you mean.” I reply, “No really I don’t care.” He says, “Come on, you would be disappointed if I didn’t cook tonight.” This is where the conflict arises.

He is correct; I would be disappointed, but not so much that I would guilt him into doing it. I am actually more upset he just won’t take me at my word and accept that I respect he deserves a night off. It escalated mildly, fitting the scenario of shadow hugging and boxing. The behavior of the other person that is really neutral is the hook because we project our feeling onto it. The symptom is we react emotionally. The projection is the part of our shadows that cause our strong reaction.

I was hooked when I projected that he was putting words in my mouth and implying that I would be resentful. Then I reacted emotionally. The only way for me to stop these reactions is to get control of my shadow, the emotional responses I have that are too painful to fully experience (Conflict Resolution Network, n.d.).

Does anyone else have these types of conflicts with their significant other and how have you chosen to handle them?

The scallops and shrimps in cream sauce were delicious! Thanks for another delicious dinner my love!

Reference

Conflict Resolution Network. (n.d.). CR kit. Retrieved from http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_3

Who Am I as a Communicator?

The results of the communication assessment this week were more reassuring than surprising to me. I was curious to see if how I perceived myself was also how the world perceives me as a communicator. I was relieved to see that on all the assessments the two people I chose to help with the assignment scores were in the same range as my self-assessment. This assignment caused me to reflect back to my first year of teaching and the feedback I got from my directors about my communication style with parents in the very beginning of the year, let’s just say it was not the impression I was trying to make. I took that feedback very seriously and strive to continuously improve how I communicate with parents.

The people I chose to help on the assignment were my husband of 24 years and my assistant teacher who I began working with in September. I have to effectively communicate with both of them in order to be successful on either a personal or professional level.  My husband has observed me communicating with family, friends and others that affect our lives such as doctors or service workers. My assistant teacher sees me interact with students, parents, co-workers and administration.

My greatest concern was my score on the Verbal Aggressiveness Scale (Laureate Education, Inc., n.d.b).  I can be very assertive in certain situations when I have strong feeling about a topic. I was relieved that my scores by everyone put me in the moderate range, my assistant scoring me the lowest and my husband scoring me the highest. This tells me that I am more careful with my choice of words at work than I am at home. This is something I need to work on as my family deserves the same respect as people I work with. It also tells me that I should also work on finding a gentler way of communicating some information.

A second thing the scores revealed is that I am comfortable communicating, but my assistant’s score was just two points away from placing me in the mild level as opposed to the low level on the Communication Anxiety Inventory (Laureate Education, Inc., n.d.a).  This revealed to me that I must somehow be showing a level of anxiety at work I do not show in other places. It maybe that I am communicating this nonverbally or that I am just more cautious particularly with parents that I find difficult to communicate with. Often these are the parents that challenge policy or want exceptions made for their child on a continuous basis.

Resources

Laureate Education, Inc. (Producer). (n.d.a). Communication Anxiety Inventory [Video inventory]. Retrieved from http://mym.cdn.laureate-media.com/2dett4d/Walden/EDUC/6165/04/mm/quiz/quiz_communication/index.html

Laureate Education, Inc. (Producer). (n.d.b). Verbal Aggressiveness Scale [Video inventory]. Retrieved from http://mym.cdn.laureate-media.com/2dett4d/Walden/EDUC/6165/04/mm/quiz/quiz_verbal/index.html

Cultural Diversity in Communication

I do believe that I communicate differently with people from different groups and cultures. When talking with my family I am more relaxed. We often use nicknames or invented words that are inside jokes when we communicate. Our humor is often sarcastic.

When I talk with my students or their parents I refrain from using sarcasm. The children do not understand it and I would not want to offend a parent. My students get to hear many silly voices that I use throughout the day. It always gets their attention when I sing the clean-up song using an opera voice. Stories are much more interesting when the characters sound different.

I am outgoing with close friends who I know well. Sharing, laughing and hugging as we greet each other. I am reserved when meeting new people. I observe the situation to see which forms of communication will be the most effective and acceptable. I am cautious with people from other cultures because I do not what to offend. I will listen more and speak less in these situations in order to gather information.

I have a strong faith and have developed a deeper understanding of my religion through a women’s group at my church. This has actually allowed me to be more comfortable discussing religion with others. I respect other believes, but can now clearly communicate my own without feeling defensive.

 I have found that having a deeper understanding of what I wish to communicate has allowed me to be a more effective communicator. Active listening can improve communication in any group, it allows for clarification of message (O’Hair & Wiemann, 2009). Even within my immediate family, conflict usually occurs when the intended message is not the message received. I tend to be an action-oriented listener, I believe that when working with the children and families in my class, becoming a more people-oriented listener would be valuable in some situations (O’Hair & Wiemann, 2009). Also, if I am more attentive to nonverbal cues in communication, particularly when communicating with people from a different culture it will allow me to improve my communication skills. I will be able to interpret nonverbal messages and improve my ability to give others what they need and therefore improve our level of communication (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011).

References

 Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2011). Interpersonal communication: Relating to others (6th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

 O’Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication: An introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Interpreting Nonverbal Communication

I found this week’s blog assignment fun and interesting. My husband often comments that I am a people watcher. When I have commented that a person’s actions do not match what they are saying he has asked “How would you know that?” In the past I have replied “I don’t know, I just do.” This week I quoted the text on page 123, where it stated that “women exhibit greater sensitivity to nonverbal messages” and “they also decode others’ nonverbal behavior more accurately, particularly those involving the face” (O’Hair & Wiemann, 2009). He found it amusing!

For this week’s assignment I chose to watch a new sitcom on ABC called Bunheads by executive producer Amy Sherman-Palladino. I watched the pilot episode using the onDemand feature of my cable network, the first time with the sound off and the second with the sound on.

The show began focusing on two chorus girls on a Vegas stage. They are talking during the performance, so my interpretation was that they are friends. It moves to a scene back stage where a man arrives and the lead female character is obviously uncomfortable, she does not seem to know him well. He arrived bearing gifts and does not seem persuaded by her lack of interest.

They later appear dining together, she is drinking heavily and he seems to be trying to persuade her about something. Then they are in a car with what appeared to be an engagement ring on her finger.

There is an additional storyline in the show. I next saw an older woman teaching ballet class. There is a definite focus on four of the teenage girls in the class. The eye-rolling and dismissive looks by one character lead me to believe there is a pecking order in this group of friends. Another girls constant self-grooming leads me to believe she is self-conscious and probably the one at the bottom of the order.

These storylines intersect when the original couple arrive at their destination and meet the older woman. There is a lot of hand gesturing and what appears to be yelling. Through eye contact I interpret it is the man that knows the older woman and she is not happy about something that has taken place.

When I watched again with the sound on I found that my assumptions were pretty accurate.

The dancer, Michelle, is being pursued by a man named Hubbell who is not from Vegas but loves her from afar. On their dinner date, as she talks about how she is unhappy with her life right now, he convinces her to get married. I thought they were only engaged. The older woman is Hubbell’s mother who is not at all happy that her son got married to someone she did not know. I was also accurate in my observation of the dance students, but verbal communication between various characters reveals that the girl at the top of the pecking order has many insecurities of her own.

My assumptions would have been more accurate if I was watching a show I know well because I would have had more background information on the characters and their relationships to each other. I would have had more experience interpreting how the characters communicate through verbal and nonverbal means.

Reference

 O’Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication: An introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.