Conflict Resolution

As I consider all the information we are learning about the causes of conflict and how to affect a positive resolution I have come to the realization that most of what inflames simple discussions between my husband and I is what the Conflict Resolution Network (n.d.) refers to as shadow hugging and boxing.

Our communication styles are part of our personal culture. Unfortunately for my husband and I our parent’s divorces and the modeling of conflict styles that lead to resolution was not something we witnessed growing up. Our respective parents did not divorce until we were young adults, so we had many years of being exposed to ineffective communication styles.

Fortunately for us this never affects the big decisions in our lives and we have been happily married for 24 years. We are very conscience of how our parent’s divorces have affected us and actively work to negate its influence. Sometimes it does turn what should be simple discussions into hurt feelings. This morning is a perfect example.

My fabulous husband happens to be a fantastic cook, and this summer he decided he would cook us a seafood dinner every Friday.  I don’t cook on Friday, so it is usually take out or dinner out. This morning we are both walking to our cars to head off to work after a very busy week for both of us, personally and professionally. He says that he is really tired and maybe won’t cook tonight. I reply that that is fine there are leftovers in the refrigerator. His reply is “That’s what you say, but not what you mean.” I reply, “No really I don’t care.” He says, “Come on, you would be disappointed if I didn’t cook tonight.” This is where the conflict arises.

He is correct; I would be disappointed, but not so much that I would guilt him into doing it. I am actually more upset he just won’t take me at my word and accept that I respect he deserves a night off. It escalated mildly, fitting the scenario of shadow hugging and boxing. The behavior of the other person that is really neutral is the hook because we project our feeling onto it. The symptom is we react emotionally. The projection is the part of our shadows that cause our strong reaction.

I was hooked when I projected that he was putting words in my mouth and implying that I would be resentful. Then I reacted emotionally. The only way for me to stop these reactions is to get control of my shadow, the emotional responses I have that are too painful to fully experience (Conflict Resolution Network, n.d.).

Does anyone else have these types of conflicts with their significant other and how have you chosen to handle them?

The scallops and shrimps in cream sauce were delicious! Thanks for another delicious dinner my love!

Reference

Conflict Resolution Network. (n.d.). CR kit. Retrieved from http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_3

Who Am I as a Communicator?

The results of the communication assessment this week were more reassuring than surprising to me. I was curious to see if how I perceived myself was also how the world perceives me as a communicator. I was relieved to see that on all the assessments the two people I chose to help with the assignment scores were in the same range as my self-assessment. This assignment caused me to reflect back to my first year of teaching and the feedback I got from my directors about my communication style with parents in the very beginning of the year, let’s just say it was not the impression I was trying to make. I took that feedback very seriously and strive to continuously improve how I communicate with parents.

The people I chose to help on the assignment were my husband of 24 years and my assistant teacher who I began working with in September. I have to effectively communicate with both of them in order to be successful on either a personal or professional level.  My husband has observed me communicating with family, friends and others that affect our lives such as doctors or service workers. My assistant teacher sees me interact with students, parents, co-workers and administration.

My greatest concern was my score on the Verbal Aggressiveness Scale (Laureate Education, Inc., n.d.b).  I can be very assertive in certain situations when I have strong feeling about a topic. I was relieved that my scores by everyone put me in the moderate range, my assistant scoring me the lowest and my husband scoring me the highest. This tells me that I am more careful with my choice of words at work than I am at home. This is something I need to work on as my family deserves the same respect as people I work with. It also tells me that I should also work on finding a gentler way of communicating some information.

A second thing the scores revealed is that I am comfortable communicating, but my assistant’s score was just two points away from placing me in the mild level as opposed to the low level on the Communication Anxiety Inventory (Laureate Education, Inc., n.d.a).  This revealed to me that I must somehow be showing a level of anxiety at work I do not show in other places. It maybe that I am communicating this nonverbally or that I am just more cautious particularly with parents that I find difficult to communicate with. Often these are the parents that challenge policy or want exceptions made for their child on a continuous basis.

Resources

Laureate Education, Inc. (Producer). (n.d.a). Communication Anxiety Inventory [Video inventory]. Retrieved from http://mym.cdn.laureate-media.com/2dett4d/Walden/EDUC/6165/04/mm/quiz/quiz_communication/index.html

Laureate Education, Inc. (Producer). (n.d.b). Verbal Aggressiveness Scale [Video inventory]. Retrieved from http://mym.cdn.laureate-media.com/2dett4d/Walden/EDUC/6165/04/mm/quiz/quiz_verbal/index.html

Cultural Diversity in Communication

I do believe that I communicate differently with people from different groups and cultures. When talking with my family I am more relaxed. We often use nicknames or invented words that are inside jokes when we communicate. Our humor is often sarcastic.

When I talk with my students or their parents I refrain from using sarcasm. The children do not understand it and I would not want to offend a parent. My students get to hear many silly voices that I use throughout the day. It always gets their attention when I sing the clean-up song using an opera voice. Stories are much more interesting when the characters sound different.

I am outgoing with close friends who I know well. Sharing, laughing and hugging as we greet each other. I am reserved when meeting new people. I observe the situation to see which forms of communication will be the most effective and acceptable. I am cautious with people from other cultures because I do not what to offend. I will listen more and speak less in these situations in order to gather information.

I have a strong faith and have developed a deeper understanding of my religion through a women’s group at my church. This has actually allowed me to be more comfortable discussing religion with others. I respect other believes, but can now clearly communicate my own without feeling defensive.

 I have found that having a deeper understanding of what I wish to communicate has allowed me to be a more effective communicator. Active listening can improve communication in any group, it allows for clarification of message (O’Hair & Wiemann, 2009). Even within my immediate family, conflict usually occurs when the intended message is not the message received. I tend to be an action-oriented listener, I believe that when working with the children and families in my class, becoming a more people-oriented listener would be valuable in some situations (O’Hair & Wiemann, 2009). Also, if I am more attentive to nonverbal cues in communication, particularly when communicating with people from a different culture it will allow me to improve my communication skills. I will be able to interpret nonverbal messages and improve my ability to give others what they need and therefore improve our level of communication (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011).

References

 Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2011). Interpersonal communication: Relating to others (6th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

 O’Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication: An introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Interpreting Nonverbal Communication

I found this week’s blog assignment fun and interesting. My husband often comments that I am a people watcher. When I have commented that a person’s actions do not match what they are saying he has asked “How would you know that?” In the past I have replied “I don’t know, I just do.” This week I quoted the text on page 123, where it stated that “women exhibit greater sensitivity to nonverbal messages” and “they also decode others’ nonverbal behavior more accurately, particularly those involving the face” (O’Hair & Wiemann, 2009). He found it amusing!

For this week’s assignment I chose to watch a new sitcom on ABC called Bunheads by executive producer Amy Sherman-Palladino. I watched the pilot episode using the onDemand feature of my cable network, the first time with the sound off and the second with the sound on.

The show began focusing on two chorus girls on a Vegas stage. They are talking during the performance, so my interpretation was that they are friends. It moves to a scene back stage where a man arrives and the lead female character is obviously uncomfortable, she does not seem to know him well. He arrived bearing gifts and does not seem persuaded by her lack of interest.

They later appear dining together, she is drinking heavily and he seems to be trying to persuade her about something. Then they are in a car with what appeared to be an engagement ring on her finger.

There is an additional storyline in the show. I next saw an older woman teaching ballet class. There is a definite focus on four of the teenage girls in the class. The eye-rolling and dismissive looks by one character lead me to believe there is a pecking order in this group of friends. Another girls constant self-grooming leads me to believe she is self-conscious and probably the one at the bottom of the order.

These storylines intersect when the original couple arrive at their destination and meet the older woman. There is a lot of hand gesturing and what appears to be yelling. Through eye contact I interpret it is the man that knows the older woman and she is not happy about something that has taken place.

When I watched again with the sound on I found that my assumptions were pretty accurate.

The dancer, Michelle, is being pursued by a man named Hubbell who is not from Vegas but loves her from afar. On their dinner date, as she talks about how she is unhappy with her life right now, he convinces her to get married. I thought they were only engaged. The older woman is Hubbell’s mother who is not at all happy that her son got married to someone she did not know. I was also accurate in my observation of the dance students, but verbal communication between various characters reveals that the girl at the top of the pecking order has many insecurities of her own.

My assumptions would have been more accurate if I was watching a show I know well because I would have had more background information on the characters and their relationships to each other. I would have had more experience interpreting how the characters communicate through verbal and nonverbal means.

Reference

 O’Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication: An introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Competent Communicator

When I read the assignment for this week the first person that came to mind as a competent communicator is Randy Pausch. If the name is not familiar to you, you may remember his story. If not, I invite you to learn more about this highly effective communicator.

I first became aware of Randy Pausch when he appeared on the Oprah show and reprised a much longer talk he had given at Carnegie Mellon University where he was a professor. The talk was about reaching your childhood dreams. It was part of an academic tradition where professors were given the opportunity to give their “last lecture”, what would they say to their students if they were hypothetically going to die. For Randy Pausch it was not hypothetical, he had been informed by his doctors that he had months to live. Randy passed July 25, 2008.

The reason I would like to model my communication after his style is because he often uses humor to emphasize a point. He has great visuals to go along with what he is saying. He shares just enough personal information to make the story engaging, but not so much that you feel you had to be an insider to understand his point. He credits others for information they have shared with him. Overall he is a positive person. Lastly, like I so often do with my young students when the real learning is hidden in our playful activity, the lesson of his talk is not what it appears to be on the service. Pausch refers to this as a head fake, he includes several in the long version of his talk.

Below are the links to his talk.

Randy Pausch on Oprah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVl8tj3Wf58

Randy Pausch -Original Last Lecture http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

If you have to time this to view the original, it is very inspiring as an educator!

Professional Hopes and Goals

My hope is that the children and families I work with can develop the same sense of how we will all find peace as the author of this poem. The author is a child!

HOW PEACE BEGINS

Peace begins with saying sorry.

Peace begins with not hurting others.

Peace begins with honesty and trust.

Peace begins with showing cooperation and respect.

World Peace Begins With ME!

--Halley Hall

Retrieved from http://favicons.blogspot.com/2012/04/poems-by-children-on-diversity.html

The goal that I would set is the creation of learning environments that would allow children to explore and develop their own ideas about not only the objects, but the diverse people they interact with also. My goal would be to have children learning in diverse environments where “isms” are challenged and respect for all is taught.   We have the opportunity in the field of early childhood to allow children to explore the issues of diversity, equity and social justice as the play and learn alongside children and adults that represent a variety of cultures. The goal would be that children form a world view that will allow them to challenge inherited bias and the influence of media. In order for this goal to be achieved anti-bias education training for all teachers would need to be a requirement!

Thank you to all my colleagues in this course. Your openness and willingness to share stories related to the many “isms” we have studied took courage and trust. Acknowledging how much we all needed to learn and supporting each other through this journey was invaluable. I believe we have the beginnings of a great support system as we bring stronger anti-bias education to our work environments! Thank you also to Dr. Dartt for her challenging questions and support as we all navigated this new learning environment!

Welcoming Families From Around the World

For this assignment, imagine the following scenario:

You are working in an early childhood setting of your choice—a hospital, a child care center, a social service agency. You receive word that the child of a family who has recently emigrated from a country you know nothing about will join your group soon. You want to prepare yourself to welcome the child and her family. Luckily, you are enrolled in a course about diversity and have learned that in order to support families who have immigrated you need to know more than surface facts about their country of origin.

The new family entering my early learning center is from Morocco!

Morocco is located in North Africa boarding the Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean Sea.

In researching this country to prepare for the families arrival I have learned the following…

1.      Moroccans are predominantly Sunni Muslims, but there is also a Jewish community so I cannot assume the faith of the family.

2.      Arabic is the official language, but French serves as the language of commerce and government and is widely taught. My student may be able to speak two languages already! There is also the possibility that English is also spoken as Al-Akhawayn, a private English- language university, that uses an American model was founded in 1993.

3.      Although education is free and compulsory through the age of 15, many children especially girls in rural areas, do not attend schools. Literacy rates differ between genders with males having the higher rate.

4.      Morocco for the most part is a patriarchal society, with girl and boys being raised much differently. Girls are shown more affection and are more closely monitored and disciplined.

5.      In Morocco lunch is the biggest meal of the day and shared with family.

The information I have gathered will allow me to greet and get to know this family without any preconceived notions. I am aware that their religion, language and education level may vary. Although Morocco is patriarchal, a modern Morocco exits, with women working outside the home. I need to meet the family to learn and understand its structure. I am aware that the educational expectations of this family may vary depending on the gender of the child. The information I have gathered will allow me to prepare my classroom and myself to provide as much cultural continuity between home and school as possible. Having 30 minutes for lunch instead of two hours, and eating with peers at the center instead of family is our first cultural conflict.

Reference

Stevens, G. M., Vollebergh, W. M., Pels, T. M., & Crijnen, A. M. (2007). Parenting and internalizing and externalizing problems in Moroccan immigrant youth in the Netherlands. Journal of Youth And Adolescence, 36(5), 685-695.s

U.S. Department of State. (2012, March 12). Background note: Morocco. Retrieved from http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ei/bgn/5431.htm

(This post was influenced by my oldest daughter who will be moving to Cartagena, Spain in Sept. to teach English for a year. She was very exited about where she will be teaching due to the Moroccan influence and its proximity to Morocco itself. After my research I share her enthusiasm!)